Confessions of a Pervy HobbitFancier
by GreyLadyBast
Summary: Completed!! Totally AU Secret-Diaries style disaster. Twisted minds come up w/this when denied sufficient reviews. Be afraid. Be very afraid!!!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Don't own LOTR, don't own Secret-Diaries style writing, don't own movies mentioned, not in therapy (apologies to anyone who actually needs it) and don't take drugs. AM Pervy Hobbit Fancier, tho……  
  
  
  
Confessions of a Pervy Hobbit Fancier  
  
  
  
Day 1  
  
Am sitting in waiting room for 1st court-ordered therapy session. Is bound to be disaster, as all therapists are quacks. Last one didn't even know difference between a hobbit and a kender! Imagine!  
  
Stupid judge, won't let me get divorced w/o therapy. As if that will save marriage. Idiot ex too tall, feet not hairy enough, doesn't smoke a pipe, can't cook worth a damn. Can do better w/own fingers, tho am showing signs of carpal tunnel syndrome.  
  
Day 2  
  
New therapist has read LOTR! Yay! On downside, has informed me am pervy hobbit fancier and will take much work to be cured. Rolled eyes when informed I don't want to be cured, want to be hobbit. Preferably male hobbit, as we all know slashy boys are the only ones to get any action around here. On upside, has prescribed v. good therapy drugs. Go me!  
  
Day 4  
  
Tookkk therapy drugs…..saw every showing of LOTR at movie thatre…thearte….you know what I mena, dammit! Hobbits even cuter when stoned than straight, if tht's possible….  
  
Day 6  
  
Mistakenly say Black Hawk Down instead of LOTR at movie thrter…..thaetre…..whatever! Orlando Bloom MUCH hotter w/ blonde hair and pointy ears, tho fall from helicopter v. dramatic. Not as hot as hobbits, tho!  
  
Day 8  
  
Have quit therapy drugs after mistakenly seeing Queen of Damned instead of LOTR. What a waste of celluloid! Stuart Townshend would have made crappy Aragorn! Viggo MUCH better, tho still not as hot as hobbits!  
  
Day 12  
  
Reality so boring. Therapist says will not see me if I continue to try jumping thru mirrors and falling down rabbit holes. Honestly, if it worked for Alice, why won't it work for me?? Think I'll take trip to New Zealand.  
  
Day 13  
  
On plane to New Zealand. Soon-to-be-ex will be pissed have maxed out his credit card to finance trip. Tough cookies. He should have turned into hobbit when I asked him too, instead of cheating on me with whatshisname. Ex is pervy elf-fancier. As said before, can do better w/own fingers!  
  
Day 15  
  
New Zealand v. pretty. Some of LOTR set still in place, yay! Have spent pleasant day wandering Hobbiton. No hobbits, alas, but plenty of hobbitat to explore. Lol, silly pun. Go me!  
  
Day 20  
  
Hooray!! Have found extra-dimensional portal to Middle Earth in remains of Hobbiton set! Surprised no one noticed it till now. Oh well, their loss, my gain. Will go down portal 1st thing tomorrow. Must pack supplies for long-awaited trip to Middle Earth!  
  
Day 21  
  
So this is Middle Earth? V. smelly, not at all what I expected. Ugly and dark, as well. Am beginning to suspect extra-dimensional portal dropped me into Mordor. But aren't these things supposed to open into Rivendell? Or preferably the Shire? Honestly, first trip to Middle Earth and NO HOBBITS!! I swear I just don't live right.  
  
Day 27  
  
Have been wandering Mordor for nearly a week and seen only ugly-ass rocks. Where's Frodo and Sam? drool! Hell, where are the Orcs, for that matter? Where is anyone???  
  
Day 29  
  
Hooray!! Life at last! Have gotten self captured by orcs and dragged to dungeons of Barad Dur. Not as bad as I expected, really. Whips and manacles something of a turn-on, tho bodiless Nazgul bit of a drag. Still no hobbits, either, dammit!  
  
Day 37  
  
Ok, over a week of dungeons of Barad Dur is far too long! Especially w/o hobbits. Aren't there supposed to be hobbits in this damn story??? Honestly!  
  
Day 40  
  
Things looking up. Sauron came to see me. Not a bad looker for just a flaming eyeball. Kinda hot, really. Pun intended, lol. Has asked me to lure hobbits to Barad Dur so he can get Ring. Of course I agreed, so long as I get to keep hobbits for myself. Deal was struck. Go me!  
  
  
  
Day 47  
  
Been wandering forever, looking for hobbits. Have FINALLY found them, yay!! Sam suspicious, of course, but Frodo sweet and trusting. Stupid hobbit. Logic obviously not his strong suit. Has great big bleeding heart to match his great big blue eyes. Almost a shame to betray him, but will anyway. Deal's a deal, for one thing, and for another, have developed big crush on Sauron. Hope delivery of hobbits and Ring will impress him. Still want to keep hobbits for toys, however. Sauron is busy eyeball. I must have SOMETHING besides own fingers to occupy me!  
  
Day 52  
  
Back at Barad Dur with hobbits. Not going into how I got them here, some things just shouldn't be discussed! Sauron most impressed, gave me Witch- King's sword! Witch-King v. upset. Too bad! Stupid Nazgul couldn't so his job, had to let modern-day divorced woman upstage him, doesn't deserve his fancy sword. All in all v. good day.  
  
Day 60  
  
All of Middle Earth has fallen to darkness, thanks to me. Go me! Sauron v. happy, has pledged undying lust to me. Even will play w/whips and manacles now he has body again! Hoo boy, what a body, too!! Evil is SO much more satisfying than good could ever be, even hobbits. Hobbits make good toys, tho, v. good at foot rubs, esp. Sam. Not happy hobbits, of course. Frodo whining about my betraying him. Too bad, stupid nitwit should have listened to Sam. What good is faithful body-servant if you're not going to listen to him, anyway?? Honestly, cannot remember what I ever saw in hobbits. Sauron MUCH more attractive. Go Evil!! 


	2. More confessions....

A/N—I wasn't going to write a 2nd chapter, as I didn't really know what to do with one, but then a rabid plot bunny bit me and I came up with this. Be afraid. Be very afraid.  
  
Disclaimer—er……..uh…………..????  
  
More Confessions of a Pervy Hobbit-Fancier  
  
  
  
Day 1  
  
Have started new journal, seeing as LOTR canon is FUBAR* due to me. Hey, bad guys should get to win sometimes, right? Besides, Sauron SO very hot, just HAD to help him w/villainous plans. Also, got two nice hobbits as pets. Not a bad start to a new life. MUCH better than crappy therapy w/quack.  
  
Day 5  
  
Sauron not around much. Says pillaging and destruction take most of his attention and I must be patient. If I was patient, I'd still be home, working on crappy marriage w/pervy elf-fancier!  
  
Day 7  
  
Witch-King of Angmar teasing me about my Saurony-boo's extended absences. Have cut off his head with his own sword (forgot Sauron gave it to ME, didn't ya, Angy-boy?) Unfortunately, undead Minions of Evil have nasty habit of not dying, even when heads cut off with own sword. Not good.  
  
Day 13  
  
Sauron home at last! Yay!! Have not written because have not crawled out of bed since he came home, except to play in dungeons. Pet hobbits complaining I neglect them. Tough cookies, hobbits! When Sauron is home, all else takes back seat. Man is insatiable! Now, if only he'd stick around a bit, life would be good.  
  
Day 15  
  
Witch-King complained to Sauron that I cut off his head with own sword. Sauron stuck up for me. Take THAT, whiny Nazgul-who-can't-capture-two- simple-hobbits!!  
  
Day 17  
  
Sauron gone again. Sigh. Been spending time w/pet hobbits. Sam's foot rubs always help foul moods, but Frodo still pissy about my betrayal. Says I should be ashamed for directly causing the enslavement of Middle Earth's free peoples! As if!!  
  
Day 22  
  
Delegation of poncy elves turned up at doorstep today, whining about enslavement, destruction of forests, desolation of land, etc etc yadda yadda. Slammed door in their faces. Honestly, elves worse than Jehovah's Witnesses!  
  
Day 24  
  
Witch-King complaining that I have pet hobbits and his sword, and he has nothing. Told him to go catch his OWN pet hobbits, dammit! Doesn't that Wraith do anything but complain??  
  
Day 27  
  
Sauron not back yet! Ten days and no action, this is NOT why I came to Middle-Earth! Beginning to remember why hobbits so hot, esp. Frodo. He's still pissed off at me but he'll come around. He damn well better or I'll feed him to a Balrog!  
  
Day 32  
  
So bored. Sigh. No sign of Sauron. Am beginning to worry poncy elves caught up with him on road somewhere. On 2nd thought, Nah! Poncy elves no match for my Saurony-boo.  
  
Day 34  
  
Witch-King teasing me again. Have set him on fire for pestering my poor little Frodo. Think I won brownie points w/hobbits for that.  
  
Day 38  
  
Hobbits really ARE cute little things, aren't they? Frodo w/his big blue eyes and Sam w/those foot rubs…..better than own fingers, esp. since Sauron still god-knows-where doing god-knows-what.  
  
Day 42  
  
WHERE THE HELL IS SAURON?????  
  
Day 43  
  
Stupid Sauron, never home. I just bet he's out shagging some bit of elf tail on the side! I'll show him, dammit, I know where he hides One Ring! If he doesn't get home soon………  
  
Day 44  
  
Sauron back, and about time!! Gave him severe tongue-lashing, AND told him off too. He liked the tongue-lashing. Brought me many presents, including Aragorn's head on a platter! Very messy, but nice in a sick sort of way. Isn't evil grand?  
  
Day 47  
  
Sauron gone AGAIN!! Frodo says if he lusts after me so much, why is he gone all the time?? Witch-King said much the same thing, but he's a nancy- boy who can't catch hobbits for love nor money, so I ignored his words and set him on fire again. Witch-King burns so nicely. But now Frodo says same thing……makes me think there's something to it.  
  
Day 50  
  
This whole Evil Wins thing isn't turning out to be all it's advertised. Was expecting lust-filled life complete w/whips and manacles, have gotten stuck home with whiny Witch-King. At least he loses at poker. Now I have nice new black tattered robes, and he's nancing around all invisible, except for his boots. V. funny.  
  
Day 52  
  
Still no Sauron. Sigh. Frodo thinks am being used. Beginning to agree. Hobbits so cute, really. Should move to the Shire, set myself up as Queen there.  
  
Day 54  
  
Discussed taking over Shire w/Frodo. He pointed out Sauron not big into sharing power, even over little place like Shire. Who says anything about sharing?? I STILL know where he hides the One Ring when he's home. Think I will steal it and take over this mickey mouse operation.  
  
Day 57  
  
Plan is set, just need Sauron to come home w/Ring. I hate waiting!! On upside, Sam's foot rubs have gotten even better. AND Frodo has gotten over being pissy at me for earlier betrayal. Had v. nice cuddlefest w/both hobbits. Those big feet aren't the only part of hobbits that's big!!  
  
Day 60  
  
Sauron home at last!!! Will get him nice and drunk, then put evil plan in motion. Will write more once things settle down.  
  
  
  
*FUBAR—Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition 


	3. Still More confessions

A/N—how come the stupid fics won't leave me alone and the good, serious ones I REALLY want to work on are firmly stuck in Writer's Block Hell??????  
  
BTW—FictionHobbit, is that a good "GAH" or a bad "GAH"?  
  
Disclaimer--same blank look as before. Author may be brain-damaged from too much parody  
  
Still More Confessions of a Pervy Hobbit-Fancier  
  
  
  
Day 1  
  
Started another new journal for evil take-over-Middle-Earth-from-Sauron plan. Unfortunately, plan on hold. Saurony-boo came home in ultra-pissy mood, wanted rough sex to soothe frayed nerves. Like I'm gonna turn down an offer like that in favor of evil plots!!  
  
Day 2  
  
Found out what's bothering Sauron. Seems Aragorn knocked up some elf trollop before getting beheaded. Didn't know Aragorn was that manly, always struck me as a slashy boy with hobbit fixation. Witch-King said I should talk when mentioned this. Stupid Witch-King! How many times do I have to set him on fire before he gets the hint???? I may have hobbit fixation but I'm not a slashy boy! Besides, a girl really MUST have something besides own fingers to occupy her.  
  
Day 3  
  
Of all the nerve! Sauron wants ME to go dust off knocked-up-elf-trollop! Seems we can't have another Isildur's Heir running around loose, fouling up evil plans. Something about prophesy, as if I give a flying rat's ass about stupid prophesy! Why do * I * have to do all the dirty work??? Why can't Witch-King earn his keep once in a while?? HE'S supposedly the Head Minion of Evil around here, not me!  
  
Day 6  
  
Stupid Witch-King. Irritating prat has done nothing but rub in my face that I have to go kill off silly elf-wench while HE gets to stay home! I just KNOW he's going to crawl into MY Sauron's bed the second my back is turned! He better not, or I'll do worse to him than just set him on fire. Have become great friends with local Balrog, a cousin of the one in Moria. Will feed Witch-King to Balrog buddy if he so much as LOOKS at Sauron in a way I don't like!  
  
Day 10  
  
Tried like hell, but just can't get out of it. Am now on the road, on my way to dust that stupid elf-wench. Am NOT happy! Road is cold and boring, Mordor still v. smelly and ugly, all in all, am NOT liking this one little bit! STILL think this should be stupid Witch-King's job, but Sauron said since I'm the one who delivered the goods last time, I'm the one he trusts to pull off this shit job. I swear, it never pays to be efficient!  
  
On upside, talked Sauron into letting me take pet hobbits along, so at least am still getting laid. Sam does wonders with travel rations, too.  
  
Day 18  
  
Stupid road really DOES go ever on and on. Damn Witch-King, useless slacker should be here, not me! At least have cute cuddly hobbits to cheer me up. Have shown Frodo tongue-lashing trick I used on Sauron. Big blue eyes so attractive when rolling up into his head like that. Made the most interesting noises, too. Didn't know hobbit vocal chords did that. V. educational, v. fun. Sam got jealous so had to show him too. Not as much fun as Frodo, but still made cute little hobbit noises.  
  
Day 21  
  
Goddamn poncy elves…..got self captured by roving band of them. Took pet hobbits away and everything!! No wonder Sauron hated them so much, useless bunch of nancy-boys. On upside, hobbits didn't want to leave me. So cute. Tongue-lashing trick worked wonders.  
  
Day 23  
  
Hate elves. Hate their perfect hair. Hate their stupid sissy knives. Hate their girly clothes. Hate poncy way they run. Can't tell girls from boys and it's driving me nuts!! Could be staring RIGHT AT stupid elf- trollop I'm supposed to kill and would never know! Also, miss pet hobbits. Am NOT a happy camper.  
  
Day 25  
  
Lembas giving me gas. Stupid elves complaining about smell. Told them don't like it, can always set me loose. Stupid elves didn't buy that. Found out today am being taken to Rivendell. Suppose that's something, have always wanted to see Rivendell. Sauron promised to take me but never did, the lying bastard. Should know better than to trust stupid Evil Dark Lord, not matter how hot. Hobbits hotter, anyway. Miss hobbits.  
  
Day 27  
  
So bored. Nothing to do, no one to do, bored bored bored. Elves beginning to look good. Really miss my hobbits!  
  
Day 28  
  
My hobbits came to see me! Yay! Had nice cuddlefest, just the 3 of us. Am pretty sure elves watched, but don't care. Maybe useless nancy boy elves learned something.  
  
Day 31  
  
Ten days captured by elves worse than ten days in dungeons of Barad Dur! At least there had whips and manacles to play with. Here, just crappy elves being patronizing. Hate elves.  
  
Day 33  
  
Some elf king turned up today, Tharan-something-or-other. Isn't that Legolas's father? Legolas must take after his mom, cause this elf is one fugly mutha! Didn't know elves could be ugly, but this one is! High and mighty git, too. Questioned me all about Sauron's evil plan, how he got hands on One Ring, yadda yadda. Lied thru teeth, of course.  
  
Day 34  
  
Tharan-whatshisname finally left. Something about riding ahead to Rivendell to alert them we're coming. Who cares?  
  
Day 35  
  
Have found out pet hobbits whining about missing me. So cute. Elves returned pet hobbits, now have something to do! Yay! Must go, Frodo wants tongue-lashing.  
  
Day 36  
  
Have decided to leave Sauron for Frodo. Cute hobbit much more satisfying. Around more, too. Plus, comes with handy faithful body-servant for extra play. So now hobbits and I are back to plotting overthrow of Sauron. Forgot to mention I nicked One Ring right before leaving Barad Dur on idiot errand for Sauron. Forgot had nicked it, actually, until just today. Stupid me, coulda used the thing to escape poncy elves. Oh well, time spent with elves educational, in a dull sort of way. Is hobbits' fault I forgot anyway. Hobbits more distracting than Sauron's whips and manacles! Much more distracting than silly Ring. Never did get what the big deal w/Ring is, anyway.  
  
Day 37  
  
Told Frodo about having One Ring. He got all weird on me and tried to grab it. Slapped him around some, but elves stopped me. Stupid elves. Got all excited when found out about One Ring. KNEW there was reason I'd forgotten to mention it!  
  
Day 39  
  
NOW I get what big deal w/ ring is!! Pretty Ring is MINE, dammit!! MINE!! I stole it, I'm keeping it! Frodo can go to hell, big blue eyes or not. Don't care about Fate of Middle Earth. Woulda thought original betrayal to Sauron's side would have clued everyone in on that. Stupid hobbits. Stupid elves. Stupid Middle Earth.  
  
Day 40  
  
Big hoo-hah about One Ring. Some elf git tried to take it from me, so I bit him. Didn't like that, but now elves stay away. Something about rabies. As if!!  
  
Day 43  
  
Finally reached Rivendell. Been arguing with Frodo over One Ring. Sam of course always takes Frodo's side. Why do all males suck so completely? Pretty ring so obviously belongs on a girl. All in all, life v. stressful. Beginning to miss therapist. Beginning to miss pervy elf-fancier ex! Think I will play w/shiny Ring to soothe nerves. Hobbits no help anymore soothing them, hobbits main source of stress lately.  
  
Day 45  
  
Men suck. Idiot males ganged up on me and decided pretty Ring must go BACK to Mordor and be thrown into fires of Mt. Doom. Didn't we do this already? Frodo out of his mind if he thinks he's going to be Ringbearer again. He lost it thru stupidity, he's NOT getting it back. Don't care how hot he is, Ring is still MINE, I will take stupid thing back to Mordor if anyone's going to. Want to check up on Sauron and Witch-King anyway. I just KNOW they're up to no good. Cheating bastards. Men Suck. Think I will try elf girls. That Arwen is a hottie, even if she's all knocked up w/Isildur's Heir. Wait, aren't I supposed to kill her?  
  
Day 47  
  
V. depressed. Arwen not into experimentation, Frodo back to being pissy over Ring, Sam sticking up for Frodo, am surrounded by poncy elves. Not a happy camper.  
  
Day 49  
  
Many ppl showing up in Rivendell. Elrond (useless git if I ever met one, won't do any work, makes everyone else do his dirty deeds for him) is setting up new Fellowship. Don't these idiots learn from their mistakes??  
  
Day 50  
  
Met soulmate!! Surprisingly enough, NOT a hobbit. Is Legolas, who got suckered into New Fellowship. Poor thing, he's as disgusted w/entire situation as I am. Am trying to talk him into letting me claim One Ring and rule Middle Earth as my Evil Consort. Not sure if he's buying it.  
  
Day 52  
  
Stupid Legolas. Overdeveloped sense of elf-honor won't let him be my Evil Consort. Guess I'm stuck w/stupid New Fellowship scheme to toss shiny Ring into fire. I swear we did this already……….  
  
Day 54  
  
Stupid New Fellowship ready to leave Rivendell. Haven't written who's in it b/c don't much care. Frodo and Sam, of course. Me, since I have made practice of biting anyone who tries to take MY RING. Legolas. Apparently Elrond, the useless git, thinks he can control me. As if!! Some other ppl.  
  
Later same day  
  
Other ppl found out haven't mentioned them in diary and are giving me shit, so here's full list of idiots in New Fellowship. 9 of 'em of course. Elrond, the stupid git, has a bug up his ass over number 9. So, full Fellowship is as follows:  
  
Me---duh!  
  
Frodo---who just BETTER not try anything w/MY RING!!  
  
Sam---double duh, where Frodo goes, Sam goes. Those two are attached at the hip! Used to be cute, now is mainly annoying. Except when he's giving foot rubs.  
  
Legolas---still running like a girl, still has no chance in hell of controlling me. Is not soulmate as once supposed. Is just irritating poncy elf.  
  
Radagast the Brown---Gotta have a Wizard and apparently Gandalf is indisposed. Don't know where, don't care. Radagast is nitwit, always talking to birds and such.  
  
Faramir of Gondor---Now THERE'S a slashy boy of the first degree! Eowyn actually FELL for this twit?? Faramir's already making eyes at Frodo. Must remind him Frodo is MINE. Well, mine and Sam's, but then again, Sam's mine too.  
  
Some dwarf who's name I can't remember. Feely son of Touchy, for all I know. Or care.  
  
Another elf, that dude who lost his job to Arwen in the movie. Glorfindal, or some such. He's not as poncy as most elves. Almost manly, if you can believe that.  
  
Bunny---a girl ranger. Apparently there's a clause in the Ranger Contract that says at least one Ranger must accompany each and every quest in Middle Earth. Would like to know where Bilbo's required Ranger was! Still, Bunny a hottie, and human too. Would give up hobbit-fancying for her, except she keeps making eyes at the elves.  
  
Must go, fingers are cramping. From writing, not from that!! Fighting w/Frodo turns us both on, and we do nothing but argue over Ring. Sam v. annoyed. Too bad. He knows he's always welcome to join us, silly hobbit. Rest of idiot new Fellowship annoyed too, but don't care. Will have SOME fun on this stupid trip before must give up my pretty shiny Ring. Dammit, life sucks, even in Middle earth. 


	4. Confessions on the Road

A/N---good god, I can't stop writing this crap!! Somebody help me!!!!!!!  
  
Disclaimer-- ZZZZZZZZsnoreZZZZZZZZ  
  
FictionHobbit—You ever gonna answer my question???  
  
Everyone else who reviewed---er………..thanks!  
  
Everyone who didn't---well, why the hell not?? Review, dammit, I'd like to get multiple pages of reviews on at least ONE thing I've written. Honestly, written 11 stories and NOT ONE has more than 20 reviews!!! Come ON ppl, cough 'em up already!!!  
  
Confessions of a Pervy Hobbit-Fancier on the Road  
  
Day 1  
  
Yet another new diary. Seems appropriate for stupid road trip w/ New Fellowship. Can't believe I got suckered into this crap, when all I set out to do was kill off some elf trollop the late Aragorn knocked up. Never did kill stupid elf trollop, and now stuck with useless bunch of losers on way to Mordor to wreck MY Ring! Not even a whole day out of Rivendell and already stupid quest showing every sign of becoming massive cluster fuck.  
  
Day 2  
  
Not a good day. That hairy dwarf, Feely son of Touchy, keeps insisting that's not his name. Won't get it thru thick braided beard that I don't CARE what his name is!! It's not like he's a hobbit, or a hottie like Bunny the Ranger. Is getting downright nasty about it. I'm gonna start calling him Weenus son of Wussy if he doesn't stop threatening me with his axe. Might even cut off beard with Witch-King of Angmar's sword, see if he likes that!  
  
Day 5  
  
What a bunch of yabbos I'm stuck with! Weenus the Dwarf (who's STILL being pissy about his name, not that I care) keeps trying to play Hide the Helmet with Bunny the Ranger. SHE'S busy drooling over Legolas, who spends all his time nancing around Glorfindal or whatever the hell his name is. Glorfy won't even give Legolas time of day, but hangs around Radagast the Brown trying to learn to speak w/ birds! I think Glorfy has sicko bird fixation. I KNOW Radagast has sicko bird fixation!! Quest already turning into soap opera. And this bunch of halfwits are supposed to defeat my Sauron?? If I gave a rat's ass about Middle Earth, I'd say it's doomed!  
  
Day 7  
  
Found out why Radagast is called The Brown. ICK! Is FAR too disgusting for words!  
  
Day 8  
  
Weenus pitched hissy fit over name again. Am now calling him Booger son of Goober. Sam thinks that one's funny. So does Frodo. I just love making pet hobbits laugh, they're so cute when their noses wrinkle up like that.  
  
Day 10  
  
What the HELL is that stupid dwarf's problem???? Doesn't like being called Booger son of Goober, even tho it makes rest of Fellowship laugh. Have explained to him importance of keeping up moral, but he just growled something in dwarvish I'm CERTAIN was obscene. Knowing dwarves, probably anatomically impossible, as well. Stupid dwarf. Maybe his name is Doofus son of Dweebie. Or is that Dweebie son of Doofus? Oh, who the hell cares, anyway??  
  
Day 12  
  
Glorfy finally gave into Legolas. Pair of 'em kept me up all night with their noise!! When confronted, made nasty remarks about me & hobbits. Told them off in Black Speech. Learned some good swears when living with Sauron!  
  
Day 13  
  
Bunny sulking because Legolas so into Glorfy. Poor Bunny. Offered her one of my hobbits but she just looked at me like I'd grown another head. Offered her me instead and she walked away. Stuck up bitch. Should kill her and tell Sauron she's the preggers elf-wench I set out after in first place. Nah, I doubt Saury would buy that, Bunny doesn't have pointy ears. Oh well, it's a pleasant fantasy.  
  
Day 15  
  
Now Radagast sulking over Legolas and Glorfy's relationship. Honestly, why can't they just share, anyway?? It's not like I care, am happy w/Frodo. Also have Sam for variety, foot rubs and cooking skills. Hobbits so great!!  
  
Day 18  
  
I think Doofus the Dwarf has finally gotten into Bunny's pants. Pair of 'em were wandering around camp this morning with sickening smirks on their faces. What on EARTH could that girl possibly see in that hairy, bad- tempered git, anyway? Esp. when she turned down me AND my pet hobbits. Some ppl have no taste!  
  
Day 22  
  
What is wrong w/these ppl?? Thought Legolas was involved w/Glorfindal, but now he's pissy 'cause Bunny the Ranger is shagging Doofus the Dwarf! Honestly, if he wanted her he shouldn't have spent so much time nancing around Glorfy. Make up your mind, stupid poncy elf!!  
  
Day 25  
  
Radagast finally told everyone off this morning. Reminded stupid soap- opera love triangle idiots we ARE on a Quest after all and to stop spending so much time whining about sex lives and more time figuring out how to destroy Ring. MY Ring. Stupid Radagast, just as I was getting my hopes up that goal of quest forgotten in all the melodrama. But nooooooo, idiot wizard just HAS to go and remind everyone! Why couldn't he just stay sulking over Glorfy??  
  
Day 26  
  
Killed little birdie just to spite Radagast. Been taking archery lessons from Legolas (when he's not too busy w/his soap opera) and got chance to practice on live target. Radagast v. pissed. Tough cookies! Shoulda kept big fat mouth shut, interfering old fart!  
  
Day 30  
  
Uh-oh! Got Orc-o-gram from Witch-King of Angmar. Apparently Sauron finally noticed Ring was missing. Witch-King of course wasted no time fingering me. THEN has the cheek to tease about it! Bet he even put cost of Orc-o-gram on Sauron's credit card. What nerve!! When I get back to Mordor, I SWEAR I am going to feed Witch-King to Balrog buddy, Head Minion of Evil or no!! Will take much explaining to get in good w/Sauron, tho. Then again, might not bother. Am actually v. happy w/Frodo, after all.  
  
Day 37  
  
Sorry haven't written lately. Had huge fight w/Frodo. Caught the little bastard trying to steal back MY Ring. Like I was so tired out from our little romp I wouldn't feel him pawing around for MY Ring. Sorry, Shorty, but you're not THAT impressive! Amateur. Should ditch this bunch of shitheads and go back to Sauron.  
  
Later Same Day  
  
Was too upset to write more earlier. Fight w/Frodo v. bad. Kicked shit out of pet hobbit. Sam jumped into it, of course. Got some good shots in, too, before elves broke it up. Stupid wizard and idiot dwarf no use at all, just stood there laughing while fight was going on. Radagast laughed so hard, he pissed himself. Hate Wizard. Hate Fellowship. Hate Quest. Esp. hate hobbits!!!!  
  
Day 38  
  
Hurts to walk. Hurts to move. Just hurts. Not talking to Frodo OR Sam, the thieving bastards. I'M the only thief around here, dammit!!! ………..miss hobbits………….  
  
Day 40  
  
Have had enough of stupid Fellowship! Don't wanna give up shiny pretty Ring! Don't like arguing w/pet hobbits, even tho sex great when making up, haven't been making up lately, just fighting! Wanna go home! Miss therapist. Miss good therapy drugs. Miss movies. Where's extra- dimensional portals when you need 'em????  
  
Day 41  
  
Doofus the Dwarf noticed how down I am from not talking to pet hobbits. Spent time cheering me up. Doofus actually pretty nice guy. Real name is……….shit, have forgotten now. Still, can't keep calling him Doofus. Will settle for Itchy, son of Scratchy, at least until I remember real name.  
  
Day 42  
  
Bunny the Ranger mad at me over Itchy the Dwarf talking to me. Told her to go back to chasing Legolas, as he & Glorfy don't seem to be couple anymore. Must've been short-term lust thing, once satisfied, went back to being friends. Bunny actually smiled at me and took advice. Poor Legolas….Bunny bit of an Amazon. Then again, Whaddya want from girl Ranger?  
  
Day 46  
  
Still not talking to Frodo or Sam. Indulged in good cry. Stroked pretty shiny Ring some. V. soothing to shattered nerves and broken heart. Who needs thieving hobbits when have shiny Ring?  
  
Day 47  
  
Don't want to throw Ring into stupid volcano! Want Sauron back, dammit!!! Want hobbits back!! Want to get laid again! Even poncy elves looking good now. Hell, even Radagast looking good now!! Am hurtin' unit. Need therapy drugs in WORST way. Better yet, need to get laid, bigtime!  
  
Day 48  
  
……………..really miss hobbits………… 


	5. More Road Confessions

A/N---bbbbbb bbbbbb bbbb bbbbb sound of author losing last of fragile grip on sanity  
  
Disclaimer—yeah yeah, whatever!  
  
Pathetic Plea for Reviews-----much sniffling and crying somebody PLEASE review? Even flames would be nice. If I don't get some more reviews, I'm not writing more. Which would probably be a relief to you ppl………….sigh.  
  
To FictionHobbit—ppppppffffffttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!! So There!  
  
More Road Confessions  
  
  
  
Day 50  
  
Just realized have not mentioned Faramir of Gondor in 50 days of road trip. Is reason for that: Faramir doesn't talk much. Mostly keeps away from everyone and lights stuff on fire. V. nice for campouts, as have had up to 10 fires at one time for evening. Also, Faramir only one not involved in late soap-operatics. Furthermore, am trying to ignore his existence, since after bit fight, pet hobbits went whining to him for comfort and companionship. Faramir is pervy slashy boy making time w/ MY hobbits. Would like to set HIM on fire.  
  
Day 52  
  
Legolas whining about Bunny's attentions to him. Don't know what he's bitching about, he's got half the Fellowship chasing his tail while I've got nobody!!! Stupid elf prat, doesn't know when he's got it good. Should try being me for awhile.  
  
Day 55  
  
Just realized, have been walking month-and-a-half and have no clue where we are.. This ISN'T the way I came OUT of Mordor……..pretty sure isn't way back INTO Mordor, either.  
  
Day 57  
  
Faramir spoiling my hobbits rotten!! Glorfy caught me trying to set him on fire, stopped me. Worthless git! Can't he see I NEED MY HOBBITS BACK????? Shiny Ring nice, but doesn't do things w/tongue that Frodo did.  
  
Day 62  
  
V. depressed. Don't care about Fellowship. Don't even care about Ring. Want hobbits back. All day, trudge along watching them be all nice-nice to Faramir. Tried making up w/Frodo but was ignored. Should never have left Sauron. At least there had manacles and whips to play with, even if stupid Witch-King was always on my case. Am thinking of jumping off next convenient cliff.  
  
Day 63  
  
Have noticed Glorfindal watching me w/ odd expression. Who cares? Not hobbit, not interested.  
  
Day 64  
  
Spent unpleasant night listening to Faramir and my hobbits go at it. Can't take much more of this. Am planning to kill Faramir as soon as I get the chance. Unfortunately, Glorfy and Radagast have taken to watching my every move. Something about not wanting to spend entire trip preventing me jumping off cliffs. Radagast still pissy about birdie-killing incident, too, so is particularly nasty. REALLY miss therapy drugs. Wonder if Sam has any hobbit weed, instead?  
  
Day 6…..er…….6-somting  
  
Hobbitg weed v. nishe stuff………..feel mush better now…..Sam no hapy, tough. Least got hobbits talking to me 'gain. Fvrfodo sho sweet n cuddly…….rilly rilly missed him, dammit……….hobbit weed IS v nishe…….  
  
Next Day  
  
………..gaw, what a hangover……………owie owie owie owie………someone kill me now!  
  
Day 70 (I think)  
  
Spent last several days in hobbit-weed-induced stupor. Had to stop when Fellowship ganged up on me. Stupid interventions, thought this crap only happened at home. Didn't need it there, don't need it here.  
  
Day 71  
  
Gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrr…………..can't think of a goddamned thing to write! I thought this was supposed to be an adventure?? Honestly, should never have left Sauron. Stupid Arwen, getting all knocked up. And I didn't even kill her, dammit. Sauron's gonna be pissed. Ok, more pissed.  
  
Day 74  
  
Big battle w/Orcs today. Forget why, as took blow to back of head. Have forgotten lots, actually. Where am I again?  
  
Day 75  
  
Where am I again?  
  
Day 76  
  
Where am I again?  
  
Day 77  
  
Where am I again?  
  
Day 78  
  
Glorfindal and Radagast have healed head wound. Fellowship apparently getting tired of repetitive questions on my part. Can't say I remember, cause I don't. Middle Earth has grown tiresome. Want to go home now.  
  
Day 80  
  
Trees pretty, fire bad. Faramir's pyromania gotten out of control, burned down large part of woods we were walking in. Elves v. pissed. Bunny v. pissed. Radagast v. pissed. Everyone pissed, but hey, they're not pissed at me for a change. Pet hobbit Frodo has gotten shiny Ring from somewhere. Wait, didn't that used to be mine??  
  
Day 81  
  
Have taken Ring back from Frodo. Big scuffle, turned into pleasant romp. Frodo not happy about losing Ring, but he'll deal. Gave him tongue-lashing to make up for it. Sam jealous, so gave him tongue-lashing, too. Rest of Fellowship disgusted. Too bad. Isn't the Fellowship overdue to break up anyway??  
  
Day 83  
  
Am growing tired of diary. Am already tired of Middle-Earth. Am excessively tired of Fellowship. REALLY want to go home now!! 


	6. Confessions Continue. Hell, They Get Wo...

A/N---got another review, so you're all doomed! Doomed, I say! Doomed!! DOOOOOOOMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Disclaimer---huh? You mean I can actually get away with blaming this on someone else? Yay!!!!!!!!  
  
Another Pathetic Plea for Reviews---exactly what it says. Just review, even flame, hell, even a review full of ………… will make me happy. ANYTHING!!!  
  
Confessions Continue. Hell, They Get Worse!  
  
Day 90  
  
Sorry haven't written. Things got v. hectic last several days. Hordes of orcs attacked again. And again. Orc attacks basically suck. In fact, it's worse than Xmas at mother-in-laws! On upside, everyone survived. Then again, is that really an upside?  
  
Day 92  
  
More orc attacks. Orcs v. smelly, esp. when bleeding. Orc blood ruins clothing, too. V. sick of entire situation. Even pet hobbits not enough to make me happy anymore! Am v. tired of Middle Earth and will NEVER read or watch anything to do w/it ever again!!  
  
Day 94  
  
Don't these crap-ass orcs ever get the hint?? Honestly, they're as bad as Witch-King! Faramir, Legolas, Glorfy, Bunny, Itchy the Dwarf (STILL can't remember his name, dammit! Doesn't like being called Itchy, either), hell, even Radagast must've slaughtered thousands in last several days, and still they keep coming. Me, I grabbed pet hobbits and hid at 1st sign of orcs, of course. How stupid do you think I am??  
  
Day 95  
  
Bad news. Bunny the Ranger died in Legolas's arms today. Apparently orc axe to spine bad for health and wellbeing. Bunny had sappy last words for Legolas, v. sad, v. dramatic. Effect somewhat spoiled by Feely-Weenus- Booger-Doofus-Itchy-Whatever-his-name-actually-is the Dwarf's head falling smack onto Bunny's lap at same time. Was v. difficult to keep from laughing. Fellowship FINALLY falling apart. 2 down, 7 to go. Wait, that counts me too, can't have that….  
  
Day 97  
  
Loss of Bunny getting me down. Why do all the hotties die quick? Wait, that implies that hairy booger of a dwarf was a hottie…………I have DEFINITELY been in Middle Earth too long!!  
  
Day 100  
  
Banner day for Fellowship! Faramir set fire to large horde of orcs, saved lives of everyone. Just as I was beginning to hope they'd die messily, too. Frodo, Sam and I have bet on as to who will croak next. My money's on Faramir. Stupid git has become glory-hound. Cannot BELIEVE Eowyn actually fell for that twit!  
  
  
  
Day 104  
  
Shouldn't we be getting near Mordor by now?? Shows what you get for trusting elves and wizards! Idiot Legolas has NO clue where he's headed but refuses to stop and ask for directions. Glorfy sticks up for him, of course, so do Radagast and Faramir. Men!!  
  
At least hobbits keep mouths shut.  
  
Day 107  
  
Am convinced we're utterly lost. Have probably been wandering around in circles, too. Thought elves were supposedly Great Trackers?? THESE idiot elves couldn't track down own ass w/both hands. Actually, suspect they're tracking each other's asses anyway. Probably is what's distracting them from finding right damn course. Oh well, just means I get to hang onto MY Ring bit longer.  
  
Day 110  
  
More losses in the Fellowship. Radagast got ahold of hobbit's pipeweed, wandered around stoned in dark and fell off cliff. This after they told me they didn't have any more!! Stupid lying hobbits. Stupid stoner wizard, now they REALLY don't have anymore.  
  
Oh, btw, Sam won bet. Owe him week's worth of backrubs plus first shot at Frodo's favors. Sigh.  
  
Day 111  
  
Another one bites the dust. Faramir finally lost marbles, set self on fire. Smelled v. bad!!! The sooner I get out of here, the better!!  
  
Day 115  
  
Half the Fellowship gone and we're not one step closer to Mordor. I TOLD Legolas and Glorfindal to ask directions, but did they pay any attention to me? Hell no! I'm just the Ringbearer (In your face, Frodo Baggins!!), I don't know anything. Males of every species just plain suck.  
  
Day 117  
  
Caught Frodo trying to steal MY Ring AGAIN!! Damn little bastard, what is his problem?? Why can't he just accept defeat gracefully and stop screwing around? I do nice things for him, give him tongue-lashing, rub his feet, make him make all those cute little hobbit noises, and what thanks do I get?? He tries to STEAL from me! AGAIN!! That's it, I've had enough, next extra-dimensional portal I come to, I'm going home and I'm taking One Ring w/me!!  
  
Day 118  
  
Bad day. More orcs. Frodo killed. Sam killed. Legolas killed. Glorfy and me only ones left, and Glorfy losing grip on reality. Keeps calling me Alfonse and trying to lick my toes! Who the hell is Alfonse??  
  
Day 119  
  
It just hit me. I don't have any more pet hobbits! They both got killed by Sauron's orcs, dammit!! I will GET Sauron for this, if it's that LAST THING I DO!!!!!!!  
  
Day 121  
  
Woke to find Glorfindal MIA. Have no clue where he went, probably just jumped off cliff or some such. Am alone again. Not happy. Must find Sauron and DESTROY him for killing my pet hobbits!!!  
  
Day 125  
  
Good news! Got self captured by Witch-King of Angmar, v. briefly. Let him get me all the way to Mordor before pushing him off winged steed and into mouth of Balrog buddy. I TOLD him I'd feed him to Balrog if he crossed me! Stupid git, should know better.  
  
Later Same Day  
  
Am now in Mordor, at Cracks of Doom. HAD every intention of throwing Ring in, to spite Sauron and pay him back for killing off pet hobbits, but now don't want to. Will set self up as Dark Queen over All Middle Earth instead!! Muahahahahahahaha!!!!!!  
  
Day 224  
  
Sorry haven't written in so long. Been v. busy killing Sauron, setting self up as Evil Queen of All Middle Earth, mopping up scattered Forces of Good, that sort of thing. Didn't know being Evil and Corrupt was so much work! Still, all is settled now. Have FINALLY gotten chance for breather. Have set up Shire as personal day-spa and am headed for long-deserved vacation there. Many hobbits to cater to my every perverted whim!! Ain't life grand? 


End file.
